Yes its been a wile..... been really busy with work. Frustrated today, VERY frustrated. I only want the best from my little brother an don't want him to screw things up. But that's just seems to be what hes doing. I dont get it.... when one knows they have to do something or work hard to pay the next months rent ....why don't they do it. Some times i feel its like bashing my head against the wall. I am not sure what will make him wake up i am really not. And i am so worried about him. I know he does not want to go back with my dad but..... if he don't do the things he needs to that's where he will end up. I am suposed to be the failer not him.... an thats how i would rather it be. Yes i want people proud of me.... i want them to think better of me. But i would rather them think those things of my sister an brother before me. I dont want to see him do this to him self any more. I understand hes 19 an young. An some times he needs to screw up to learn. But if hes screwing up more then once an not learning..... does that mean there something wrong? My aunt an uncle now have me worried about his health. They keep bringing up doctors an saying he might be diabetic an have a mental problem. Only cause they are bashing their head against the wall trying to help him an hes not taking the the time to do the things so they can help him. Basically he needs next months rent.... so they said ok....we will pay it but you need to do work around the house, yard ect to work off the money an earn it. Well one would usually say ok what would you like me to do? But he slacks off, doesn't come over to work, doesn't help himself in any way by doing this either. I just want him to do well.... but if things keeping going like this.... i fear for him as well as myself. Cause it effects me as well emotional, mental an physically. I worry EVERY SINGLE DAY.........i wonder will there be a time where i wont have to worry about anybody else but my self. Then the things i worry about will be my own problems an my own faults. Well i have to open tomorrow an want nothing more then to sleep.... maybe kill some zombies then sleep. I hope when i wake up tomorrow.... things will be better.......hahahaha things fixing themselves over night.... thats funny

odd

just got home from work.... it was well ....ok. I am not going to go through the whole night simply for the fact of i think my my shut off an went on auto. But come to find out .... about those big doors that get closed at the end of the night. I ended up going leaving with a group of people an following them (should have left with Bennett instead might not have felt as bad) an theres a way around the doors in a little path (face-palm). Any way they ended up walking in a group an even though i closed with them, talked with them the whole night... they kinda just brushed me away. Or maybe i kicked my self out or something i dont know....but why people stop talking to me an kinda ignore me... thats how i take it.
I wonder when i walk behind a group of people like that kinda seeming to almost distants myself from them.... what do they think. I mean i dont do it purposely an i kinda let my shyness get the best of me then. But do they think.... oh look at here she must think shes to good for us or something. But in fact.... its the opposite. I always think im not good enough..... so i stay away from the crowd an hope that maybe one day someone will see me an maybe actually want to talk to me instead of thinking they have to cause they work with me. Maybe i am just a pathetic loner who is to dam shy to do anything or just cant. But for i wouldnt give to actually here someone face to face say it an mean it but to say....you matter...or i like having you as a friend even i would like to have you as a friend....hell anything just.....something.......... I got so tired of putting myself out there only to get hurt that i just stopped trying. Now an again i try but it always just seems to fail. Can remember the last time I actually had a friend...someone who liked me for me...... i am not looking for a love interest i may or may not have that already just like he may or may not have or is cheating on me....but i dont care any more. I just want a friend, someone i can really talk to. well guess in the end nothing matters....everyone just ends up back stabbing you an leaving you in the mud anyway. Well guess on that depressing note i am going to bed
Darkest Blessings ...

its also been a wile since i have hurt myself.... but feel that shortly about to change

One day

SO today's been very well....off. I have been so sick an hazzy an dizzy all day long. But i did get to talk to me love today. Have not been on the phone that long with him in a sooooo long. An it was nice to do so...i really miss him. But my poor angel is sick T.T. I feel so bad i wish i could be there to take care of him. I miss the old days when me an him would curl up in bed an watch adult swim an fall asleep. I miss my angel so much an i hate not being there with him. But i am trying to do better i am trying to be stronger an independent like he wants me to be. I am trying to make a life so that i know we will be ok. I want to be able to help him instead of being useless. Thats why i am going to go to collage. I want to make him proud of me an i want to be the girl he not only needs but wants as well. We will have what we always said or what he has always told me "One Day". That will not be our happy ending but our perfect beginning. An I want to make sure i am able to give him everything he wants. If you ever stumble upon this love.... I promise you just as you promised me. I love you my scabbed angel always have an always will.
Your Loving Dark Angel
Dahlia

another day

Well last day of closing yay. It was kinda tough, but i managed to make it through. Just need to learn to eat. Found out that now if i keep up the not eating for 3 days i get very dizzy an sick. Go figure cause i used to go days without eating but what ever. Had a very interesting dream last night....Was a kinda dream in a dream. I dreamed that i was dreaming of mom...well kinda. She was saying something to me but i dont remember what it was. But it was more interesting then that cause some how ( dont remember ) but i some how ended up lying on the ground looking at the night sky. An the sky started turning all these brilliant colors. It was so pretty it had brought tears to my eyes. I can only describe it as Vincent van gogh's starry night painting, It was so magnificent to see it form, an i can still see it when i close my eyes. Then out of the sky moms face started to form as well, an then speak to me. I remember waking up in my dream crying uncontrollably. Then for some reason trying to draw an recreate that image. Then i woke up feeling so sad cause not only could i not remember what she said to me...but because i miss her so much. Maybe that was a gift she was giving me, seeing that beautiful sight. Or maybe i just wanted to see her so much an hoped that it was her that i formed her in the sky my self. Its so hard to think that shes gone..... It feels like i could rip my heart out of my chest it hurts so bad. She was everything to me.... I wanted her to watch me as i grew up more as i did things that would make her proud.... I wanted her to be there when i get married an for her to see any kids i may have. I wanted to share so many things i wanted her to be here. I only wish i had more time with her....though i am thankful for every moment i had, every smile, every laugh, every tear....everything. I love you mom an would never EVER ask for anyone different. I love you soo much an with every flower every butterfly..... every rainbow that comes after a storm. I am reminded of you an though it hurts so much am i want nothing but to break down an cry. I do my best to smile an say i love you. Because i know she would want that....she would want people not to be sad that shes not here anymore but to love an be thankful for every second she was. Everything she left behind every seed she watched over an watered till it bloomed. We were her garden an could not have made it this far without her. An thought i say this with a lump in my throat an tears in my eyes.... I whisper to the wind every time.... i love you mom an i am thankful for your life....even though your gone you will never truly die. You live in the memories of everyone you touched an the foot prints you left can never be washed away.

another day

So think i might have made a friend at my new job. I have always said i get along better with guys more then girls. Nothing wrong with girls at all its just for some reason ..... they always back stab me. Think i have only 1 friend thats a girl that has never. Well anyway Geo is the name hes real sweet to. Sad to find out he is almost 19 lol. Why is everyone always younger then me. I miss having guy friends that are older then me like Rochard an Juan were..... Or as i always call them, my big brothers x3. But how me an Geo can become good friends an i make more. I need friends....
I closed tonight an got 2 more days of it as well. My goodness it was hell... plus i have been so sick all day long, feel like i am going to throw up. Probably had to do with my 1 person party last night. Think i ended up drinking a whole bottle of wine plus 2 sleeping pills. Well i dont remember most of it but i do remember getting violently ill. I will NEVER do that again an i mean NEVER. Not if it makes me this sick. An at some point i must have fallen down an knocked my self out. Or something like that.... Cause i have this big ass bump on my head an both knees are badly scraped up an hurt REALLY bad. I sure hope i feel better tomorrow...... Today was NOT fun half because i felt like shit. No hangover just really really sick. And woot my drawer was only over $3.11 for my first cashiering on this job. I will say i like being the person helping out more though. No Geo tomorrow hes off an i hope he has lots of fun for the 4th of july. >< i on the other hand wont be doing anything but closing. Phones shut off as well so cant see what my love is doing either. But i will get a couple days of quiet. Well i should try to get some rest in hopes i feel better tomorrow. An hope that they dont get mad that i drank a whole bottle of wine >.>; or that they dont have cameras in this place...... i am always worried about that. Well Good Night an Darkest Blessings.

random

ok so what is it with people an NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER..... I am so tired of playing middle man an relaying message after message to one another. Hey people its called a phone....use it or hell try sending an email ANYTHING. Just for once dont make me have to go back an forth. I have my own problems to worry about without getting yelled at for just relaying the message. Feel like i am consistently being scolded for something that has nothing to do with me. Well on a lighter note my aunt an uncle will be going away on Saturday so i will have a night to my self. They said i should use my day off for studying an yeah maybe i should. But i have a night to myself i am not going to be studying the whole time. Thinking of trying to do something fun....though what fun i can by my self......lol right xD. Ok theres lots i can do yeah i mean i am not the only person who has had to have fun alone. But think i am going to relax an depending on the weather maybe i will go out an light the fire pit up am make some smores x3. Or not........ i dont know what i will do but i will find things to do. An TeamFourStar came out with another DBZ video yay. So addicted to those an no matter how many times i watch them they are still funny. Still got a bit of the cold left but getting better. An now starting to wonder why the hell is it so dam hot in this house atm...... well its getting late an need to be up early tomorrow for work. Then day off wooohooo. Well Darkest Blessings

unspoken

I don't think people actually realize how a single action, word, sentence can change a persons day. How harsh words, yelling or just being mean can make someone so sad. But a smile.....can make another happy. Or to hear kind words like "your beautiful" "your so sweet" "you always make me laugh" or even a simple "I love you" from the person you care about the most. Oh how i wish to hear those words again. The 3 little words i have convinced my self that its ok if he doesn't say that anymore. Oh how my heart would fly into the clouds an the world would cease to exist. And what every was hurting me what ever was making me sad.....wouldn't even matter. To my one an only love if ever you are to some how come across this.... I love you more then anything an i only wish you could still tell me the same. And if you actually don't its ok..... then let me know. I would rather see you happy with another then miserable with me. But if you do i dont need to be shown with gifts or flowers. But to hear you say it or at this point even a simple text saying it. You would make me the happiest person alive.
To my angel
I Love You

Masked once more

So its been a wile >.<
I have once again taken that mask an placed it over my face. Joining the rest of the world an pretending to be ok. At first things almost seemed like they were getting better, but only after they had gotten worse. I have since gotten a job that i can say i am not to sure about. Its only been 4 days of working an i work all next week. But only one person i have talked to has had a positive view on this job. The rest i work with have told me nothing but horror stories an that they hate it. I have also applied for school an will be joining them for Fall semester. Scared to death with each an every step I take. Not because I venture into the unknown, or because everything changing. In all honesty i can not truly tell you where this fear comes from only where it does not. I am staying with my aunt an uncle still even further away from the one i love. The one i thought was meant just for me. But where he stands is still a mystery to me. And one would think after so many years i would at lest know some what. But i knew more at the start then i do now. I pretend I am ok, showing everyone my mask of one girl who wishes that is what she was. But i am not ok an i can honestly say that "I AM NOT OK". For a wile i couldnt even admit that to myself. Almost trying to pretend that things will be alright. Trying to fool myself in hopes that maybe just maybe i will believe in this lie. I may not be completely suicidal any more but at the same time I am. At this point my life is at a "I want to live" and "I want to die" stage. Dieing is me it is where my mind lies. Living is not its what everyone else wants. I only still live for the people who want me alive an for the death of my mother....not because i want to. Though some times i like to believe i do. An from anyone out side looking in might say "I don't understand your life seems fine to me. You just got a new job, your going to go to college, your getting on your feet. Everything looks fantastic". But they are wrong in so many ways. Yes i am working on being my own person though i have been for years....just have not been able to be out there truly my own person. But my mind, my mind is just not right. So many tormented thoughts run through there. It never stops thinking, not even at night. In order to get any restful sleep I have to take enough sleeping pills to pass out. well as i am currently running a fever the rest of this will have to wait. Can't even think strait right now. I wish you all darkest blessings. An even though i have a feeling only shadows read my little silent cry's. I thank you