Masked once more

So its been a wile >.<
I have once again taken that mask an placed it over my face. Joining the rest of the world an pretending to be ok. At first things almost seemed like they were getting better, but only after they had gotten worse. I have since gotten a job that i can say i am not to sure about. Its only been 4 days of working an i work all next week. But only one person i have talked to has had a positive view on this job. The rest i work with have told me nothing but horror stories an that they hate it. I have also applied for school an will be joining them for Fall semester. Scared to death with each an every step I take. Not because I venture into the unknown, or because everything changing. In all honesty i can not truly tell you where this fear comes from only where it does not. I am staying with my aunt an uncle still even further away from the one i love. The one i thought was meant just for me. But where he stands is still a mystery to me. And one would think after so many years i would at lest know some what. But i knew more at the start then i do now. I pretend I am ok, showing everyone my mask of one girl who wishes that is what she was. But i am not ok an i can honestly say that "I AM NOT OK". For a wile i couldnt even admit that to myself. Almost trying to pretend that things will be alright. Trying to fool myself in hopes that maybe just maybe i will believe in this lie. I may not be completely suicidal any more but at the same time I am. At this point my life is at a "I want to live" and "I want to die" stage. Dieing is me it is where my mind lies. Living is not its what everyone else wants. I only still live for the people who want me alive an for the death of my mother....not because i want to. Though some times i like to believe i do. An from anyone out side looking in might say "I don't understand your life seems fine to me. You just got a new job, your going to go to college, your getting on your feet. Everything looks fantastic". But they are wrong in so many ways. Yes i am working on being my own person though i have been for years....just have not been able to be out there truly my own person. But my mind, my mind is just not right. So many tormented thoughts run through there. It never stops thinking, not even at night. In order to get any restful sleep I have to take enough sleeping pills to pass out. well as i am currently running a fever the rest of this will have to wait. Can't even think strait right now. I wish you all darkest blessings. An even though i have a feeling only shadows read my little silent cry's. I thank you