odd

just got home from work.... it was well ....ok. I am not going to go through the whole night simply for the fact of i think my my shut off an went on auto. But come to find out .... about those big doors that get closed at the end of the night. I ended up going leaving with a group of people an following them (should have left with Bennett instead might not have felt as bad) an theres a way around the doors in a little path (face-palm). Any way they ended up walking in a group an even though i closed with them, talked with them the whole night... they kinda just brushed me away. Or maybe i kicked my self out or something i dont know....but why people stop talking to me an kinda ignore me... thats how i take it.
I wonder when i walk behind a group of people like that kinda seeming to almost distants myself from them.... what do they think. I mean i dont do it purposely an i kinda let my shyness get the best of me then. But do they think.... oh look at here she must think shes to good for us or something. But in fact.... its the opposite. I always think im not good enough..... so i stay away from the crowd an hope that maybe one day someone will see me an maybe actually want to talk to me instead of thinking they have to cause they work with me. Maybe i am just a pathetic loner who is to dam shy to do anything or just cant. But for i wouldnt give to actually here someone face to face say it an mean it but to say....you matter...or i like having you as a friend even i would like to have you as a friend....hell anything just.....something.......... I got so tired of putting myself out there only to get hurt that i just stopped trying. Now an again i try but it always just seems to fail. Can remember the last time I actually had a friend...someone who liked me for me...... i am not looking for a love interest i may or may not have that already just like he may or may not have or is cheating on me....but i dont care any more. I just want a friend, someone i can really talk to. well guess in the end nothing matters....everyone just ends up back stabbing you an leaving you in the mud anyway. Well guess on that depressing note i am going to bed
Darkest Blessings ...

its also been a wile since i have hurt myself.... but feel that shortly about to change