odd

just got home from work.... it was well ....ok. I am not going to go through the whole night simply for the fact of i think my my shut off an went on auto. But come to find out .... about those big doors that get closed at the end of the night. I ended up going leaving with a group of people an following them (should have left with Bennett instead might not have felt as bad) an theres a way around the doors in a little path (face-palm). Any way they ended up walking in a group an even though i closed with them, talked with them the whole night... they kinda just brushed me away. Or maybe i kicked my self out or something i dont know....but why people stop talking to me an kinda ignore me... thats how i take it.
I wonder when i walk behind a group of people like that kinda seeming to almost distants myself from them.... what do they think. I mean i dont do it purposely an i kinda let my shyness get the best of me then. But do they think.... oh look at here she must think shes to good for us or something. But in fact.... its the opposite. I always think im not good enough..... so i stay away from the crowd an hope that maybe one day someone will see me an maybe actually want to talk to me instead of thinking they have to cause they work with me. Maybe i am just a pathetic loner who is to dam shy to do anything or just cant. But for i wouldnt give to actually here someone face to face say it an mean it but to say....you matter...or i like having you as a friend even i would like to have you as a friend....hell anything just.....something.......... I got so tired of putting myself out there only to get hurt that i just stopped trying. Now an again i try but it always just seems to fail. Can remember the last time I actually had a friend...someone who liked me for me...... i am not looking for a love interest i may or may not have that already just like he may or may not have or is cheating on me....but i dont care any more. I just want a friend, someone i can really talk to. well guess in the end nothing matters....everyone just ends up back stabbing you an leaving you in the mud anyway. Well guess on that depressing note i am going to bed
Darkest Blessings ...

its also been a wile since i have hurt myself.... but feel that shortly about to change

One day

SO today's been very well....off. I have been so sick an hazzy an dizzy all day long. But i did get to talk to me love today. Have not been on the phone that long with him in a sooooo long. An it was nice to do so...i really miss him. But my poor angel is sick T.T. I feel so bad i wish i could be there to take care of him. I miss the old days when me an him would curl up in bed an watch adult swim an fall asleep. I miss my angel so much an i hate not being there with him. But i am trying to do better i am trying to be stronger an independent like he wants me to be. I am trying to make a life so that i know we will be ok. I want to be able to help him instead of being useless. Thats why i am going to go to collage. I want to make him proud of me an i want to be the girl he not only needs but wants as well. We will have what we always said or what he has always told me "One Day". That will not be our happy ending but our perfect beginning. An I want to make sure i am able to give him everything he wants. If you ever stumble upon this love.... I promise you just as you promised me. I love you my scabbed angel always have an always will.
Your Loving Dark Angel
Dahlia

another day

Well last day of closing yay. It was kinda tough, but i managed to make it through. Just need to learn to eat. Found out that now if i keep up the not eating for 3 days i get very dizzy an sick. Go figure cause i used to go days without eating but what ever. Had a very interesting dream last night....Was a kinda dream in a dream. I dreamed that i was dreaming of mom...well kinda. She was saying something to me but i dont remember what it was. But it was more interesting then that cause some how ( dont remember ) but i some how ended up lying on the ground looking at the night sky. An the sky started turning all these brilliant colors. It was so pretty it had brought tears to my eyes. I can only describe it as Vincent van gogh's starry night painting, It was so magnificent to see it form, an i can still see it when i close my eyes. Then out of the sky moms face started to form as well, an then speak to me. I remember waking up in my dream crying uncontrollably. Then for some reason trying to draw an recreate that image. Then i woke up feeling so sad cause not only could i not remember what she said to me...but because i miss her so much. Maybe that was a gift she was giving me, seeing that beautiful sight. Or maybe i just wanted to see her so much an hoped that it was her that i formed her in the sky my self. Its so hard to think that shes gone..... It feels like i could rip my heart out of my chest it hurts so bad. She was everything to me.... I wanted her to watch me as i grew up more as i did things that would make her proud.... I wanted her to be there when i get married an for her to see any kids i may have. I wanted to share so many things i wanted her to be here. I only wish i had more time with her....though i am thankful for every moment i had, every smile, every laugh, every tear....everything. I love you mom an would never EVER ask for anyone different. I love you soo much an with every flower every butterfly..... every rainbow that comes after a storm. I am reminded of you an though it hurts so much am i want nothing but to break down an cry. I do my best to smile an say i love you. Because i know she would want that....she would want people not to be sad that shes not here anymore but to love an be thankful for every second she was. Everything she left behind every seed she watched over an watered till it bloomed. We were her garden an could not have made it this far without her. An thought i say this with a lump in my throat an tears in my eyes.... I whisper to the wind every time.... i love you mom an i am thankful for your life....even though your gone you will never truly die. You live in the memories of everyone you touched an the foot prints you left can never be washed away.

another day

So think i might have made a friend at my new job. I have always said i get along better with guys more then girls. Nothing wrong with girls at all its just for some reason ..... they always back stab me. Think i have only 1 friend thats a girl that has never. Well anyway Geo is the name hes real sweet to. Sad to find out he is almost 19 lol. Why is everyone always younger then me. I miss having guy friends that are older then me like Rochard an Juan were..... Or as i always call them, my big brothers x3. But how me an Geo can become good friends an i make more. I need friends....
I closed tonight an got 2 more days of it as well. My goodness it was hell... plus i have been so sick all day long, feel like i am going to throw up. Probably had to do with my 1 person party last night. Think i ended up drinking a whole bottle of wine plus 2 sleeping pills. Well i dont remember most of it but i do remember getting violently ill. I will NEVER do that again an i mean NEVER. Not if it makes me this sick. An at some point i must have fallen down an knocked my self out. Or something like that.... Cause i have this big ass bump on my head an both knees are badly scraped up an hurt REALLY bad. I sure hope i feel better tomorrow...... Today was NOT fun half because i felt like shit. No hangover just really really sick. And woot my drawer was only over $3.11 for my first cashiering on this job. I will say i like being the person helping out more though. No Geo tomorrow hes off an i hope he has lots of fun for the 4th of july. >< i on the other hand wont be doing anything but closing. Phones shut off as well so cant see what my love is doing either. But i will get a couple days of quiet. Well i should try to get some rest in hopes i feel better tomorrow. An hope that they dont get mad that i drank a whole bottle of wine >.>; or that they dont have cameras in this place...... i am always worried about that. Well Good Night an Darkest Blessings.