random

ok so what is it with people an NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER..... I am so tired of playing middle man an relaying message after message to one another. Hey people its called a phone....use it or hell try sending an email ANYTHING. Just for once dont make me have to go back an forth. I have my own problems to worry about without getting yelled at for just relaying the message. Feel like i am consistently being scolded for something that has nothing to do with me. Well on a lighter note my aunt an uncle will be going away on Saturday so i will have a night to my self. They said i should use my day off for studying an yeah maybe i should. But i have a night to myself i am not going to be studying the whole time. Thinking of trying to do something fun....though what fun i can by my self......lol right xD. Ok theres lots i can do yeah i mean i am not the only person who has had to have fun alone. But think i am going to relax an depending on the weather maybe i will go out an light the fire pit up am make some smores x3. Or not........ i dont know what i will do but i will find things to do. An TeamFourStar came out with another DBZ video yay. So addicted to those an no matter how many times i watch them they are still funny. Still got a bit of the cold left but getting better. An now starting to wonder why the hell is it so dam hot in this house atm...... well its getting late an need to be up early tomorrow for work. Then day off wooohooo. Well Darkest Blessings

unspoken

I don't think people actually realize how a single action, word, sentence can change a persons day. How harsh words, yelling or just being mean can make someone so sad. But a smile.....can make another happy. Or to hear kind words like "your beautiful" "your so sweet" "you always make me laugh" or even a simple "I love you" from the person you care about the most. Oh how i wish to hear those words again. The 3 little words i have convinced my self that its ok if he doesn't say that anymore. Oh how my heart would fly into the clouds an the world would cease to exist. And what every was hurting me what ever was making me sad.....wouldn't even matter. To my one an only love if ever you are to some how come across this.... I love you more then anything an i only wish you could still tell me the same. And if you actually don't its ok..... then let me know. I would rather see you happy with another then miserable with me. But if you do i dont need to be shown with gifts or flowers. But to hear you say it or at this point even a simple text saying it. You would make me the happiest person alive.
To my angel
I Love You

Masked once more

So its been a wile >.<
I have once again taken that mask an placed it over my face. Joining the rest of the world an pretending to be ok. At first things almost seemed like they were getting better, but only after they had gotten worse. I have since gotten a job that i can say i am not to sure about. Its only been 4 days of working an i work all next week. But only one person i have talked to has had a positive view on this job. The rest i work with have told me nothing but horror stories an that they hate it. I have also applied for school an will be joining them for Fall semester. Scared to death with each an every step I take. Not because I venture into the unknown, or because everything changing. In all honesty i can not truly tell you where this fear comes from only where it does not. I am staying with my aunt an uncle still even further away from the one i love. The one i thought was meant just for me. But where he stands is still a mystery to me. And one would think after so many years i would at lest know some what. But i knew more at the start then i do now. I pretend I am ok, showing everyone my mask of one girl who wishes that is what she was. But i am not ok an i can honestly say that "I AM NOT OK". For a wile i couldnt even admit that to myself. Almost trying to pretend that things will be alright. Trying to fool myself in hopes that maybe just maybe i will believe in this lie. I may not be completely suicidal any more but at the same time I am. At this point my life is at a "I want to live" and "I want to die" stage. Dieing is me it is where my mind lies. Living is not its what everyone else wants. I only still live for the people who want me alive an for the death of my mother....not because i want to. Though some times i like to believe i do. An from anyone out side looking in might say "I don't understand your life seems fine to me. You just got a new job, your going to go to college, your getting on your feet. Everything looks fantastic". But they are wrong in so many ways. Yes i am working on being my own person though i have been for years....just have not been able to be out there truly my own person. But my mind, my mind is just not right. So many tormented thoughts run through there. It never stops thinking, not even at night. In order to get any restful sleep I have to take enough sleeping pills to pass out. well as i am currently running a fever the rest of this will have to wait. Can't even think strait right now. I wish you all darkest blessings. An even though i have a feeling only shadows read my little silent cry's. I thank you