BOARD

So when boardom sets in tell me what is there to do? Sure i can go through one of the many boxes in my room as is i am living in basically a storage room. But then i run the risk of going through things that will set me in a state of mind i should not and don't want to be in. Then there is sitting here and thinking also hazardous to my health.........sure i can always go out side drive around and find something to do. But what now a days dose not evolve money to go do? Plus i know NO ONE where i am so there's no hope with hanging out with friends. Yeah i can go out side and try to make friends but around here people are either to old or way to young. I have yet to see any one even remotely like me where i am now. Sure you may label me as goth as most people do when they look at me. I see me as me unique in my own seance considering my insane mind. And what labels a person insane or for more thought what labels a person in general? Sure you can go with a clever note and say its their mind set and how they act and you would be lying.........sure that might have something to do with it at the end but you can't tell me you dont look at a person and think something else of them before even uttering a single word to them. Mostly every one labels everyone else but just how they look......someone can look like a total bitch and that's how you view them......or a loser or loner........And don't say you don't and you don't judge people before speaking because that to would be a lie. Sure you may think that way and think you are but don't tell me you have never once looked at someone and automatically thought something else of them. I know this because the worlds never going to change.....and i remember going through school where half the people thought i was either going to kick their ass was a witch or a complete loser. Now if anyone of them would actually get to know me they would know i am the most harmless person you will ever meet and could hurt no one but my self. I am loyal and go to any lengths to see the people i care about happy.......guess you can say i care to much witch can also be hazardous to my health. Well i am going to stop blabbering and find something to do that dose not involve sleep before my eyes pop out of my head and i lose any seance of sanity that i have left.

i tell my self so go ahead fall down the world looks different from the ground

Time has gone by slowly almost as if to stop but then speed up and before i know it the day is over then the week. Its only been 20 days since mom passed away.......and already its seems like eternity but like it was yesterday as well. Like it was only yesterday i heard her laugh saw her smile.......she really was one of the most important people to me. If i had a question she had the answer. I go through moments where i think of her an go through what you may call panic attacks.......i can't breath and theres a pain i can't even pin point.......my head screams and i feel as if i could rip my hair out from a pain i could not even tell you about. what is this......Could this be heart break? Is there any way to even get over this trumendance torment? This happens daily to me and not sure how much longer i can take it. Everything reminds me of her and i just want it to stop but i dont want to forget her i never want to forget her. And i fear i may forget the sound of her voice, her calling my name, the way she smile afraid i might forget her face. But yet it hurts me so much to remember. I find my self talking aloud as if talking to her hoping she hears me. I will tell her things tell her storys and give her updates of how life is right now. I will tell her i miss her and wish for nothing in this world but to have her back.......but theres nothing that can bring her back short of death. And i am not even sure what happens after death. For the longest time i thought it was nothing just a void something worse then nothing that no words can explain but yet i desperately wanted to believe that you looked down upon those you cared about and watched over their lives wile also being with the people you cared about who passed. if the first part is true then im talking to nothing in hopes of just making my self feel better and she is truly gone. But can one be gone if they live on in the memory of so many people? And if you do can that give you eternity or will one day you just fade away as the memory of you dose. And if the second part is true will death bring me back to her.....will killing my self be an answer or just a temporary solution? Questions in witch i have no answer nor do i believe any one dose. They are all just silly questions that no one knows.......and if they think they do and truly believe in the foolishness more power to them. And i would love to be able to do the same.
Forgive my spelling but each post is written with tears

Through Suicidal Eyes

First post.......a new start
In here You will see the world through my eyes. Then maybe you will see what its like to be on the other side. And all i can do is hope to become help to those who stay in the shadows as i do.

I guess first off would be to tell you a bit about my self..............You may call me Dahlia
I am 24
I have been through many problems in my short life time. Most recent one is my mother passed away not to long ago. She died from Cervical Cancer.......it was heart breaking.
I have dealt with suicide and self injury for about 11 years now......and it really never gets any easier for me. I have learned how ever to cope and deal with things in my own way. Things get harder and i have not gotten better.......just surviving day by day. Bad things have happen in my past to make me the way i am today in witch i will explain on a later date. Not sure why i really started this.......not sure with whats going on if i will be able to keep up with it. But i will do my best to post.